Community from Scratch: Lessons of a Military Wife

Guest Blog

Feb 5

Have you ever spent hours cleaning the house only to have your family cover it in chaos minutes later? That is what building community for me has felt like. A circular task that keeps landing me back at the starting line.

Hey, I’m Erika, a girl who loves coffee in cute cups and a sturdy pair of cowgirl boots. I am a military wife, a mama to a sweet three month old, and an entrepreneur. I grew up in a small town in Washington State, where I was first introduced to the idea community.

These are the type of people that will give you the shirt off their back, bring you the best tasting casserole when a loved one passes, drop zucchini and fresh made bread on your doorstop, and help without being asked when you need to re-roof your house.

They are also the same type of people who call your mom to let her know they saw you driving on the highway (she knew she sent me for groceries), and make space in their guest room for your friends and family for your wedding. I went to college in a town that held similar community values, but when I got married and moved away, I realized the struggles of building a community from scratch.

As a military spouse, you never really settle for long, you move a lot, your husband is gone for irregular periods of time, and you never really know what your schedule is. For me it led to a lot of loneliness, difficulty making friendships, and a desire to not let that be the end of the story.

I knew the importance of community and saw the impact it can have and that it was possible, so I created my own non-negotiables for community.

How to Build Your Own Community as a Mom to Littles

First, Say Yes and Then GO! Second, If at first you get hurt…try again. Most importantly, Invest in those around you. Let’s unpack these and get some tangible ideas.

Say “yes!” and then GO!

The first non-negotiable is “say yes and then GO!” Building a community is difficult, so it can help to start by finding your people. Find a group or community you are interested in.

This could be anything like a mom’s group, a yoga class, a church group, or a book club. Even if it is a little outside of your normal comfort zone, give it a try. At worst, you never have to go again, and at best, you meet some friends.

When I first moved to California after I got married, I hardly knew anyone and I knew we were only going to be living there for about a year. However, I knew I wanted community so I started pursuing it. I joined a Bible Study at the church my husband and I were attending.

After the first meeting, I almost didn’t go back for the second week because there were so many women! Funny, right? I was looking for a community and I was scared of how many people there were. I am much more of a small group kind of gal, but I was determined to not give up, so I went back.

The second week there were less women and the core group that stayed became a really sweet group of friends that were there for me that first year of marriage. So the first step in building community is to find the group and actually give it a chance.

I truly believe community is out there, it just might take some hard work and a couple tries to find the right fit, and it will always feel overwhelming to try.

If At First You Get Hurt, Try Again

Second is, “if at first you get hurt…try again.” Our natural reaction as humans is to protect ourselves from the things that hurt. If you have been repeatedly hurt in friendships, it can make it hard to want to seek out friendships again. I know from experience.

It’s hard to find people who want to also invest in a relationship. Many times I have had people who were only friends for what they could get out of the relationship or friends who decided for one reason or another to leave without a trace. When people walk away with hurtful comments, actions or even just no explanation at all, it hurts.

I have experienced this and to be honest ,it makes me not want to make friends the next time. I would stay quiet, not share, not reach out, not seek out friendships, and what I found is that the loneliness is worse. The hurt from being lonely is harder than the hurt of the lost friendship.

Don’t get me wrong, both are extremely painful, but loneliness without any possibility of community is harder to work through than one friendship ending.

So my encouragement to you friend is this, if at first you get hurt…try again. Your person or people are out there, it might just take a little bit to find them.

Invest, Invest, Invest

My third non-negotiable for building a community is, “Invest! Invest! Invest!” Once you have the group (maybe you joined that book club or signed up for a mom’s walking group), it’s time to connect. I have joked that I feel like making friends with preschoolers is easier than adults, because with preschoolers you can just ask them what their favorite dinosaur or color is. However, adults are just big kids most of the time.

Ask someone what their favorite dinosaur is the next time when you are meeting someone for coffee, I dare you. Did someone share that their shoes are new? Ask them how fast they can run in them!

It may sound silly, but at our core we all desire to be seen, understood and listened to. That goes for the girl across the table from you too. When you find that person you connect with in your group, take it farther. Invite her to coffee, ask if she wants to do a picnic at the park with the kids later.

Many people are dying to have people to do these things with but are afraid to be the person to start the process. Hospitality doesn’t have to be inside your home, it can also be how you treat others.

Invest in their life, ask questions to know what is happening or how you can be there for them. What is their favorite take out or coffee order for those moments when life is heavy? When we invest in others, it gives us an opportunity to share the load and truly go deeper in our community.

When it comes to community, I don’t have all the answers (far from it). If it seems impossible, know that I am right there with you. We just moved and I too am faced with once again seeking out ways to build community from scratch.

But it isn’t truly from scratch because I have the non-negotiables: stepping stones that I know will build a community if I take the time to pursue it and give it a chance. Step one: find the group.

For example, there is a Valentine’s Day brunch in our community so I am going to go. I don’t know what to expect, but maybe I will meet a friend. When I do meet the friend, I am going to invest. Ask her to hang out outside of the group and from there keep building upon each of these steps. Over time I will find my community and you will too. Community IS possible and it is worth it.

So here is my challenge to you: What is one way you can go deeper with a community this week? Are you needing to find a group so you can meet people? Perhaps it is working through past rejection and being willing to pursue friendship again? Maybe it is time to look at how you can invest deeper with the relationships in your life?

Regardless of where you are in the process, know that it is possible.